Chapter Text
James POV:
The funny thing is, they almost forgot to even go to the record store.
James would have been content just standing on that one sidewalk square with Regulus for the rest of his life, holding him close, kissing him .
Yes, that was new. Oh yes, yes, that was new, and James was consumed by it. For once he was not the all-destroying force of a black-hole sun, but instead they were a stellar merger- the sun and its star colliding to create an ethereally bright supernova in the midst of outer space.
But Regulus, ever the more grounded of the two, eventually found his way back to Earth.
“We should get going, before it gets too late,” he breathed, an angelic smile hovering over James’s own. Seeing Regulus so soft was another thing that James was pleasantly still getting used to. Over the weeks he could see the ice chip and melt away little by little, but nothing compared to the way Regulus melted into James that night. James could always tell that there was a much sweeter someone hiding beneath the layers and layers of his near-perfect facade; little things like keeping Sirius’s letters on his walls, or finding comfort in a tiny black cat stuffed animal showed that. But now, James’s predictions were proven solely as undeniable facts. If someone had told him Regulus really was made of stardust, he’d have believed it.
The version of Regulus that James had the privilege of meeting had the most gorgeous, gentle smile that he insisted on shielding from the undeserving world with his hand, his glares were made of cotton instead of daggers, and even through all of his teasing insults, you could tell so easily how much Regulus cared- how beautifully compassionate he was. He danced and laughed to his favorite music, he wrote pretty poetry, he dried flowers and strung garlands; James would go on for hours if ever given the chance to talk about all of the little things that made Regulus so inherently wonderful.
“Suppose we should,” he replied, still dopily smiling, encapsulated in a bubble of affection.
A twinkle glimmered in the star’s eyes- Pretty, James thought. Regulus’s face was caught in a mischievous look, like a child sneaking extra sweets.
“Race you,” he said, barely above a whisper, then turning to dash down the street in a lovely fit of giggles.
“Hey!” James laughed along behind him, shortly catching up being both the taller one by several inches and an athlete. He still let Regulus take the lead, though.
Once again it was proved to James that he would always be surprised by Regulus Black, and hoped with all of his might that he’d never stop being surprised by him.
By the time they reached the record shop- a quaint little hole-in-the-wall called ‘Weasley Spun”, the pun making James huff a laugh every time - Regulus was out of breath, doubled over to holding himself up on his knees. His grin was still firmly in place.
“Jesus I might actually f*cking die,” he dramatically gasped in a breath, “I won, though.”
James chuckled, “Yeah, you did, love.”
It really should have been more of an awkward transition from just friends- just roommates , really- to so much more, James thought. Every other person he’d been with romantically had had their fair share of stilted silences and hesitant touches before being fully comfortable with the new developments. That was normal, though, with any new couple trying to figure out how to exist as so.
Were he and Regulus a couple, now? James put the thought to the side for the time being. They could figure out all the details of their new dynamic later.
His point was, that with Regulus, everything progressed so naturally. The terms of endearment slipped from his mouth as easily as breathing, as if Regulus was crafted just for James to call him Reg or love . Even kissing him was a paradox of feeling like something James had done a million times over, and at the same time, clumsily new . It just felt right.
The shop bell pleasantly dinged as James held the door open for Regulus to walk in, with a flourish. Regulus arched a playful eyebrow at him as he walked past, but his expression immediately shifted upon seeing the rows and rows of CDs and vinyls lining the shop.
They spent the better part of an hour individually flipping through all of the CDs under Regulus’s favorite artists, James prompting him to explain everything he loved about each album that caught his eye. Regulus hesitated at first, still a bit quiet- maybe feeling nervous still from the kiss?- but by the time they reached the “ H” section, he was excitedly rambling on and on about the music.
He and James were huddled close to each other, feeling like two magnets finally having the chance to click as they explored the little shop. James saw the two workers- a couple not much older than them, who seemed to be the shop owners as well- coo at them from the corner, the woman mouthing something like ‘ young love’.
For some reason, that’s what made it hit James. Just how fully and completely in love with Regulus he was.
He stared at the man in front of him, taking in every tiny freckle on his nose, every sparkling glint in his peridot eyes, every tiny brush of a hand against James’s jacket as he waved them around in excitement. All of it, all of him; James was so in love with it all.
Catching James staring, Regulus cut himself off with a blush.
“ Sorry, I’m rambling,” he shifted self-consciously.
“Hm? What? No! No, I love to hear you talk! I was just thinking of something,” he cringed at himself when Regulus’s lips turned in a slight frown.
“Wow, I just made myself sound like a prick- the something was you!” He quickly corrected his mistake.
Regulus furrowed his brows for a moment, then started to laugh, “Oh God,” he cackled, “you’re such an idiot .”
“I think you mean intellectual . Only a genius would think of such beautiful things,” James waggled his eyebrows at Regulus.
“Oh, shut up,” Regulus smiled, giggling.
“Again, feel free to make me any time,” he winked.
“You’re insufferable.”
“You’re adorable.”
“Knife. Under. Pillow. I told you, Jamie.”
“Who knows, maybe I’m into that,” he winked again.
Regulus’s mouth hung open in confusion, “Why do I like you, again?”
James gasped overdramatically.
“Gasp!” he said aloud, “Regulus Black likes me!”
Regulus’s eyes softened, “Of course I do, wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t,” he parroted James’s words back to him.
Of course I do, he said. Of course I do.
“f*ck, put those things away,” Regulus suddenly said, sounding positively mortified.
James was startled into a laugh, “What?”
“The tears- they’re welling in your eyes,” Regulus actually physically recoiled, “ Put those things away.”
James wiped roughly at his eyes with a little chuckle, “Can’t help it, I’m a sappy motherf*cker and you’re just so sweet.”
“Knife, Jamie,” Regulus warned again, red creeping into his cheeks this time. James wanted to hold them.
Ignoring the threat, James circled back to his train of thought.
“But yes, where was I? Ah, yes. It occurred to me whilst I stood, thinking about you amongst these fine CDs -” he started in a silly fancy voice.
“Why are you talking like that?”
“-that it is of utmost importance for me to know the name of the tune which caused your jovial mood that first September eve we met?”
Regulus’s eyes widened at the memory, “Wait- you saw that?” he sounded horrified.
James was confused for a second, he’d already told Regulus that once, he thought? At the Hog’s Head-
Oh. That was why.
James doubled over in laughter, which was really not helping the color draining from Regulus’s already pale face.
“ Oh , God-” he struggled to catch his breath, “ I forgot that you wouldn’t remember that I told you. We had this conversation once already, at the Hog’s Head.”
Regulus had the tiniest of flinches at that, but sighed, “Well that’s just fantastic , isn’t it.”
“It really was,” James replied dreamily, “You’re an amazing dancer.”
Regulus glared at him.
“And surely, I at least have the right to know what song was playing the moment I fell in love with you, it’s special you know? “ he continued, mindlessly.
Regulus froze, looking at James with big eyes.
“Say that again,” he whispered the demand.
“I’d like to know what song was playing the moment I fell in love with you?” James repeated, still not getting why Regulus had reacted the way he did.
Reg sucked in a harsh breath, “You… you love me?” he asked, nothing but wonder and awe painted masterfully on his face.
James’s heart leapt in his chest- Oh.
“Yeah,” he exhaled with a smile, now understanding, “ Yeah , I do .”
“ ‘Someone New ’”, Regulus answered, his words made of clouds.
James snapped out of his own daze and tilted his head.
Someone new? What did that mean?
“The song, ‘ Someone New,’ by Hozier,” Regulus clarified.
He then flipped quickly behind the aforementioned musician’s tab in the CD bin to pull out the one with that track on it, pointing it out on the back.
Forget leaping, James’s heart took off, soaring towards the heavens. That was his favorite song on that album.
“I love Hozier,” he beamed, absolutely giddy, “that one’s actually my favorite track, too.”
Regulus smiled back, a hesitant beam of starlight breaking through.
“No way. You’re just lying to impress me, aren’t you?”
“Am not! Quiz me!” James insisted, covering his eyes pointlessly, seeing as Regulus had not yet stated the nature of the quiz.
Regulus guided his hand back down with his own, looking up at James with such fondness.
“Hmmm…” he humored James, holding the CD to his chest “What’s the sixth song on the album.”
James thought for a moment, “‘ In a Week’ ?”
Regulus made a buzzer noise with his mouth; James’s answer was incorrect.
“Wrong, its ‘From Eden ’.”
James groaned, “Ok, make the quiz easier.”
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Regulus smirked, sticking out his tongue, “But ok, I’ll give you an easier one. Because I want to, of course.”
James snorted, “Of course.”
Regulus bit his lip in thought.
“‘ There’s an art to life’s distraction…’” he quoted in a light voice, almost singing but not quite.
“‘ To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through,’” James finished the lyric without missing a beat.
Regulus gave a begrudged smile, “Alright, you pass.”
“Woo!” James threw up his arms victoriously.
Regulus shook his head at him.
“ Mignon,” he muttered in French- something both he and Sirius did from time to time.
It was safe to say Regulus speaking French had a much different effect on James, though.
“What’s that?” James asked, blushing before he even understood.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Reg teased, turning to look through the next shelf of CD’s.
*******
Regulus POV
By the time they got back to their dorm for the night, Regulus was soaring . Nevermind escaping the drowning enclosure of his vase, nevermind being planted in the ground- Regulus was right up there in the sky, closer to the sun than he ever had been.
It was wonderful to be with James in this way, to not feel the burden of his secret affection weigh down every word exchanged. Now, everything was out there. The flowers were starting to bloom again.
He’d felt more drawn to James’s side than he ever felt, as if something was compelling him to stay as close as possible- gravity. And for the first time in Regulus’s life, he wasn’t scared to let someone else have that control over him.
He trusted James, which was taking a crazy leap of faith for Regulus to admit. The only other person in the world he truly trusted was Sirius, if he disregarded himself. He could see that James truly only had the purest of intentions with anybody he came in contact with. The sun only knew one language, and that was to shine.
Regulus unlocked their door with his free hand, the other occupied with his bag of newly purchased CD’s and his takeaway box.
Back at the record shop, James had noticed Regulus’s excitement when he’d found the albums and refused to leave until Regulus allowed him to buy them for him. After much protest, Regulus finally gave in and handed them over. It was odd, having someone want to do nice things for Regulus, simply because they liked him.
Loves me , Regulus reminded himself, the thought making him giddy, James loves me.
He set down the bag on the desk and carefully unloaded each case, laying them out in a perfect fan to marvel at.
“Unreal, Unearth,” by Hozier, “Electric Warrior,” by T.Rex, and “ Ill” by The Lumineers were laid before him as he traced lightly over the covers of each.
“ Thank you, again,” Regulus looked up to James sincerely, “Tonight was…”
“Horrible? Terrible? The worst night of your life,” James teased with a smirk, though you could see some of the anxiety he was trying to hide lurking behind his gaze.
“Honestly,” Regulus looked back down at the CD’s, fidgeting with his hands as he allowed a peaceful smile to play on his lips, “I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life.”
“Oh God , love . Don’t make me cry,” James wiped at his eyes, which were in fact welling up with tears.
Regulus chuckled lightly, “Everything makes you cry, you sap. You literally admitted to crying during Charlie Brown’s Halloween Special.”
“He got a rock! On Halloween! That’s devastating!” James defended himself, “An actual betrayal!”
Regulus rolled his eyes playfully, settling down on his bed, “Only you, mon ange .”
James’s face reddened instantly, “You’ve gotta stop doing that.”
“I could’ve just called you a rat’s asshole and you would have liked it, huh?”
“Well, did you?”
Regulus snorted, “ No, I did not.”
James beamed, “What did you say, then?”
Regulus rose a telling eyebrow, conveying to James that he would not be sharing.
James threw his head back with a sigh, “You drive me crazy, Regulus Black.”
“Mm, that’s the goal,” Regulus shot back, ignoring his heart tripping over itself at James’s comment, “I’ll get you sent off to the psych ward so I never have to see you again.”
James smiled sweetly at him, “Or you could just use that knife of yours- much more efficient really, don’t you think?”
Regulus hummed, feigning considering it with deep thought, “Not sure I’d like to deal with all the blood, thanks.”
James sat down perpendicularly in front of him on the bed, his feet still touching the ground while Regulus had his legs pulled into a ball- chin resting on his knees.
He leaned into Regulus’s calves gently, looking up at him at an odd angle above his glasses frames.
“And that’s the only reason?” James batted his long eyelashes stupidly, “Just the blood?”
Regulus swallowed, his brain looping static.
“Mhm.”
Suddenly coming aware of himself, James pulled back a little from Regulus, making some of the static subside.
“This ok?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I think so,” Regulus nodded, “Here, you can…” he shifted over on the small mattress, making enough space for James to lay beside him, and pat the sheets.
James gave Regulus a soft look, shifting into a more comfortable position next to him.
Regulus sighed contentedly, melting into the small mattress as well so that they were both laying, facing each other.
“Hi,” James whispered- something only able to be heard in their close proximity- his eyes drifting to Regulus’s lips.
“Hi,” he breathed out in response, and let his eyelids flutter closed.
They just layed like that, close to each other for a while. The only noise that washed over them was the gentle puffs of their breathing, contrasting with the rushing of blood in their ears from accelerating heartbeats.
Regulus inched his head forward ever so slightly so that their foreheads touched; ink black strands intertwined with dark chocolate coils of hair against the white of his pillowcase. They were like a painting, brushstrokes entwining them together.
James nuzzled into the small touch, their noses brushing lightly. When Regulus at last opened his eyes, a pair of askew, golden glasses frames and the sparse dusting of freckles across caramel skin greeted him.
Pretty, pretty, pretty.
The way James looked at him made Regulus wish he were water- a liquid that could soak into James’s skin, that would always take the shape of its container so that he’d always fit by James’s side. The mere inches between them suddenly felt like far too much space.
“Come here,” Regulus said- the gravity of the sun making it impossible to stay away- as he pulled James closer, so that his head fell in the crook of his neck. Regulus burrowed his chin into the top of his head, soft curls tickling his face.
He inhaled, exhaled. James smelled like the first days of summer, the warmth of his arms around Regulus only serving to compliment this. The citrusy smell of his shampoo overwhelmed Regulus’s senses, the sort of thawing nostalgia that made him sleepy, safe . Yes, James was safe.
“You smell like oranges,” Regulus verbalized, then suddenly felt a bit odd for making the statement.
What if James thought that was weird? Or creepy? What if he already felt trapped, and didn’t want this?
A tickle of a laugh brushed against Regulus’s neck, the sensation breaking him out of his insecurities. Infact, the only thought in his brain now was how maddeningly close James’s mouth was to his skin. Thank god James couldn’t see the deep blush that bloomed over his face.
“You know, Reg, you never stop surprising me. Everything you say is impossible to predict. I think that’s lovely.”
Regulus’s breath hitched for a moment before he buried his whole face into James’s head. How could he just say things like that, so easily?
“The knife is inches from my hand,” Regulus replied for a lack of proper words, coming out muffled through James’s hair.
James chuckled again- really not assisting in Regulus’s composure- and thought for a moment.
“You smell like… home.”
Regulus moved his head down at that, so that their foreheads touched again. A swarm of bees made its home in his ribs, buzzing delightfully.
He was confident that James was just trying to kill him at that point, because yes. That's what James felt like to him, too. Regulus didn’t have much to compare too, his house never quite being a home, but he thought that James must’ve been it. Home.
“You can’t just say things like that,” he breathed against James’s lips, his eyes stuck to them.
They twitched up into a subtle smirk, “Yeah? And why’s that, love-”
Regulus barely let him get the words out before closing the space between them. It was more fierce than their kiss outside the record shop, more demanding, more needing.
Regulus rolled them over slightly, twisting so that just his torso hovered over James’s, deepening the kiss as he stabilized himself , hands on either side of James’s head.
James leaned up into it, matching Regulus with equal force. When Regulus eventually pulled away, out of breath, James chased his lips with his own. His face was slightly flushed beneath Regulus’s and his eyes were full of only stars.
“I’d take that consequence anyday,” he rasped, grinning.
Regulus rolled his eyes and shoved James lightly, flopping back down onto the bed- but couldn’t stop his own smile from spreading across his face
*******
Dorcas gasped loudly, slapping her hands over her mouth.
“You what? ” she stopped in the middle of the hall, shaking Regulus by the shoulders. They were walking towards the dining hall for lunch after their creative writing class, in which Regulus had uncharacteristically been zoning out during. Dorcas obviously noticed the change in behavior, being as irritatingly observant as she was. And since Regulus sort of owed last night to her, he felt obligated to be truthful.
“ Regulus ! That’s amazing!”
“ Shh,” he shushed harshly, “ I don’t need the whole f*cking world knowing about my love life,” he scoffed.
Dorcas squealed a little less obnoxiously, much to Regulus’s relief, “Beans has a love life! Ack!”
Regulus looked to the sky, glaring at the ceiling, “I knew telling you was a bad idea.”
“You’d go insane without me,” she ruffled his hair, pushing his head to the side goodnaturedly.
Regulus batted at her hand, attempting to smooth his hair back into place and sighed.
“Yeah, suppose you aren’t completely wrong. I should say thanks, by the way.”
Dorcas looked at him, confused.
“For what? Existing? Because I really should be thanked for that more often,” she nodded solemnly.
Regulus fought the urge to groan, “No, not exactly.”
“Psh, rude.”
Regulus had to fight himself to force out his next words. It’s not like he didn’t want to thank Dorcas for being such a supportive friend, for lending him her bravery without even knowing it- he just wasn’t used to, well, thanking people.
Not in the way that made him a total asshole- Regulus would always show his appreciation where it was deserved- but it was more just that Regulus was used to being self-sufficient.
His parents raised him to not thank others so loosely, as to not surrender any ‘ power’ to them- it was a habit that Regulus was avidly trying to undo. Of course, the rule didn’t apply to his parents themselves, who were always to be thanked for providing even the most basic necessities, but Regulus could hardly count that as a genuine display of gratefulness.
No, Regulus wanted to be genuine. Dorcas deserved to know the impact she’d had on his life. She was probably the first person that Regulus had ever considered a friend, the first person he came out to, the first person to make him feel bold.
He took a deep breath in, avoiding eye contact.
“I wanted to thank you, I guess, for not giving up on me… even though I’m a bit of a prick.”
Her face softened, “Aww, Beans.”
“And you- you don’t talk down to me. You make me want to be the person you treat me like, like someone worth being around- and no, don’t give me that look or you’re never getting thanked for anything again.”
Dorcas snorted, but let him continue.
“You… lent me your confidence last night. I wanted to do something, something brave. And I wouldn’t have if I’d never met you. So yeah… thank you.”
“God, I thought you were supposed to cook beans, not let Beans cook ,” Dorcas pretended to sniffle and wipe a tear from her eye, “I’m glad I could be there for you.”
Regulus rolled his eyes at the pun, but linked their arms together, “Glad I have you too, or whatever.”
Dorcas huffed a laugh, “Or whatever.”
*******
Peter POV
He’d done it.
It had taken hours, days to complete, but everything was finally ready. He looked over every photo nearly a hundred times, touching up his work so it was absolutely perfect, untraceable.
Now all Peter had to do was hit send.
His plan would go like this: James was a far too trusting person, almost to a fault. Peter knew that anybody who followed James on Instagram, he would follow back. There were many times when James would embarrassedly freak out about having accidentally followed back p*rn bots. Anybody would think he would have learned his lesson after the first five, but that was James for you- never wanting to leave anyone out.
So, Peter did his research on Regulus, digging deep enough to find what high school he used to attend. That was probably the most difficult part, since Regulus had virtually no social media presence; Peter managed to find him though, through an academic award on a poem he wrote, recognized by the school.
Once he’d found that piece of information, Peter scrolled through a few more pages of Regulus’s former classmates, trying to find one whom he would absolutely never interact with. He decided on a right-wing, fish-holding, football player named Caradoc Dearborn. He was in Regulus’s graduating class, so if James brought up who the message was from, Regulus would at least recognize the name and not think to trace it back to Peter.
Peter had made an entire fake account under Caradoc’s name, screenshotting his photos and posting them. He’d falsely detailed in the bio that Caradoc was coincidentally attending Hogwarts University, and had even photoshopped one of the pictures so that he was sitting under a tree in the front lawn, instead of his own backyard.
Actually, Peter had used photoshop quite a bit in the whole ordeal. The thing he was most proud of was the actual messages he was going to send James.
It was a bit tricky at first to make all of the words flow together seamlessly, so that they didn’t just look like a mismatched patchwork of ideas taken out of context. But once Peter got the hang of it, he was able to create a flawless image of a brand new diary entry in Regulus’s handwriting. Realigning that stupid signature on the bottom of the page was the twisted cherry on top.
At last, he had the final image.
After looking it over for the final time, Peter opened up his phone, clicking on the app. He quickly typed James’s handle into the search bar, hesitating for a moment before hitting follow.
Checkmate.
*******
James POV
James’s phone pinged in his pocket on his way back from class- maybe it was Peter sending him the pictures of the flowers from his project.
Maybe it's Regulus , he thought, heart fluttering. Secretly James had been watching his phone all day, especially Regulus’s contact. Every now and then James would see text bubbles begin to be typed, then Regulus would change his mind and rewrite the message, only to delete it again. It was adorable.
But alas, it was neither. On his screen was an Instagram notification from an account he didn’t recognize. The profile picture looked friendly enough, (seeing as there was an actual face instead of just a cropped bikini picture- James was trying to learn from his past mistakes) so he followed back.
He put his phone back in his pocket, enjoying the crisp, autumn air on his walk. The leaves were mostly all fallen off the trees at that point, covering the ground in a colorful collage of reds, yellows, and browns. Most importantly, the school had begun decorating for Halloween- James’s third favorite holiday after Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Hogwarts always did a fantastic job with their festivities- wrapping the trees in fairy lights with spooky shapes for the bulbs, hanging fabric ghosts about the campus, and even the occasional skeleton was left hanging around.
James’s phone buzzed again, it was a message from the same account. He frowned, Sirius would make fun of him so hard if he’d accidentally followed back another p*rn bot.
For a split second, he was relieved to see that the message was actually phrased like a human being wrote it, no 18+ anywhere in sight, but his eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the first message sent.
caradoc🏈:
hey! im caradoc, i used to go to school with yur roommate, regulus right? we didn’t really know each other but i recognized him when he dropped his journal in the dining hall. totally didn’t mean to snoop! it was opened on a page already, but im sorta glad i read it. so sorry to be the one to break it to you like this man :/
Break what to him? James’s heart sped up a bit, not sure what to expect. Weirdly his first thought was that Regulus was part of some sort of evil, underground organization committing crime- but quickly dismissed the far-fetched idea.
James’s confusion was put to rest as an image came in a moment later, a picture of the page in Regulus’s diary. He recognized the handwriting immediately, as well as catching Regulus’s telltale signature ‘R.A.B’ at the bottom. This Cardoc guy was really legit, huh?
James felt an immediate pang of guilt about having access to some of Regulus’s most private thoughts right in front of him. He would’ve clicked out of the chat without reading, if not for the next message.
<attachment: 1 image>
this must suck for you dude, guess you never know your real friends :/
What was this guy on about? Surely Regulus would never write anything bad about anyone else, he was too good for that. James liked to think, especially himself. He thought he was really starting to get somewhere with the younger Black, particularly so after the night before.
Cringing at himself, James let his curiosity get the best of him, tapping unsurely on the image to expand it to full size.
James’s heart dropped as he read.
“Really, the only thing I would complain about is having James as my roommate- death couldn't be worse. He’s a total mess, and our room looks horrendous. I’m just not sure how this whole arrangement will work out.
Maybe if I try my best not to exist, he won't notice me anymore
Besides, I’m still working out whether I should hate him or not (the close quarters are, once again, not helping). I really should, given the fact that he encapsulates everything I despise in a person, added onto my admittedly complex feelings about him and Sirius.
He’s definitely a mess, and our room really does look like sh*t, the filthy f*ck. He wreaks havoc with so much confidence, doesn’t he get enough attention as it is?
I feel like I have no choice but to at least tolerate him after he took Sirius in. I tried, I really did, but I've known for a long while that the world is not, and will never be, in my favor.
So maybe this will all be a disaster. Maybe James will be a thorn in my side for the rest of the year, and that this year is going to be worse than I ever could have imagined.
R.A.B.”
It didn’t make sense.
It didn’t make sense.
But it was real. That was Regulus’s handwriting, that was Regulus’s signature . James even recognized the black leather cover of the journal peeking out from behind the familiar pages.
Regulus had written that. He’d written that about James.
It hurt, it hurt , letting Regulus in like that, only to find out how he really felt. Sirius had told James about his family being a bunch of manipulators, was Regulus just like them? Was it all some sort of act?
James tensed at the thought, he knew Regulus to be a damn good actor when he wanted to be.
He was swimming in it all, the confusion, the denial, the truth.
The line “... added onto my admittedly complex feelings about him and Sirius,” rang over again in James’s head.
Oh. Was that what all of this was about? Sirius?
James laughed bitterly to himself, remembering all the times he assured Sirius when he had first been kicked out that his little brother would understand, that he wouldn’t feel betrayed.
From the first day they met, James could see that Regulus was possessive of his big brother, practically glued to his side whenever he was around- James had just thought Regulus would be more mature than to stoop to this level.
James was wrong to assume the high horse he sat on was just a defense mechanism, someone climbing onto higher ground to avoid drowning.
Turns out that James once again overestimated someone. He had a flaw of seeing a goodness in others that wasn’t there, and it always came crumbling back down on him, didn’t it?
He was so done, so done being the optimistic one in a cruel world. People only saw the bright, bubbly side of this trait, never considering how soul crushing it could be to face the same brand of disappointment over and over again.
James took off his glasses and scrubbed his hands over his face harshly, wiping away the frustrated, angry tears that had streaked down his face. Once he’d put his glasses back in place, he typed out a quick, “Thanks .” to Caradoc and shoved his phone back into his back pocket.
*******
Regulus POV
“I could have loved you, girl, like a planet
I could’ve chained your heart to a star”
Regulus breathed a deep breath out, sinking into his pillow. Just yesterday, James had been right where he was laying- he probably wouldn’t have believed it if his scent didn’t linger on the pillowcase.
He placed the black cat over his chest, calmed by the slight weight of it, and let the smooth, calming tones of “ Life’s a Gas” wash over him.
Regulus had been a bit anxious all day that he’d suddenly wake up and all that happened would’ve been a dream. He’d even pinched himself a couple of times to test the theory (and let Barty pinch him too, for the hell of it).
A few times, he’d picked up his phone and started typing messages to James, ranging from “ I love you, too ,” to “ Was last night a mistake for you?” but ultimately, he decided on not sending any of them. Talking to James in person was how he preferred it, anyways.
As if on cue, James opened their door, walking directly to his bed without a glance at Regulus. Instead, he sat straight down on his bed and pulled out his laptop to study, pulling his headphones over his ears.
Anxiety started to crawl into Regulus’s chest- that was odd .
Not that he expected James to act any sort of way, or even always be in the mood to talk, but James was typically a very predictable person.
Every single day since they moved in together, James greeted him with a, “Hey, Reg!” once he appeared back in their dorm.
Regulus’s mind was overwhelmed with a sudden onslaught of catastrophizing. Was it his fault? Did James hate him, now? What if he regretted ever kissing Regulus, but didn’t know how to get out of it?
He took a shaky breath in, no . He could handle this calmly, he was an adult. James was not his mother, he would never raise his hand to Reg for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. The world wasn’t going to end.
Removing one headphone, he turned into James’s line of sight, motioning for him to do the same.
James set his jaw in frustration, but slid off one headphone stiffly.
“What,” he bit out, his tone cold.
Regulus flinched a bit, but kept his composure. James was just having a bad day, he told himself.
“What’s wrong, Jamie?” he whispered, heart pounding through his ribs.
It was James's turn to flinch as the nickname left Regulus's lips.
“Don’t call me that.”
“Sorry,” Regulus’s chest felt tight, just yesterday James seemed to love the nickname.
What had changed?
“Does anything have to be the matter? I’m just studying,” James brushed him off with a scowl. It looked wrong on his face.
“No, no…, sorry,” he apologized again, “I just wanted to make sure you were alright-”
“Why are you pretending that you care?” James snapped loudly, making Regulus freeze in his skin.
He laughed, manic, with anger flashing bright behind his eyes.
The question had pushed Regulus too close to the sun, no amount of walls could protect him now from burning up in its wrath.
“Why are you doing this to me Regulus? Why?” James demanded, shoving his computer off of his lap.
Regulus began to hyperventilate, the anxiety winning over. He was so, so confused. What had he done, what had he done, what had he done?
He didn’t know what James was talking about, he did care. Almost too much. So much that it hurt.
What he did know was that James was upset, and it was all because of him.
James kept going.
“Oh, you’re funny . You’re so quick to write down everything that's wrong with everyone else, but the moment someone calls you out on it, you can’t handle it. ”
Regulus looked up at him desperately, pleading with his eyes.
The only word he could manage was, “ James-”
“No!” he yelled, pressing his hands against his nose, pushing his glasses up. “You know, the worst part is, I still feel guilty for reading it.”
Regulus’s heart stopped in his chest, “Reading what?” he murmured so quietly, he didn’t even think James heard it.
“I got a little message today, y’know that?” James paced back and forth as if not sure where to place all of his emotions, “Kid named Caradoc, ring any bells? You went to school with him, yeah?”
Regulus did go to school with a Caradoc, but what did he have to do with anything? Regulus didn’t even know him in school. And why was he messaging James about him?
“I never even talked to Caradoc, please , James, what is this,” he begged, hot tears spilling over his cheeks.
Regulus hated this, he hated this. This is why he had walls, this is why he didn’t let anybody in.
Everything was too much, too sudden, too confusing all at once. He was hyper aware of every sensation. The wetness on his face, the fabric under his hands, the blood in his skin, the drowning weight of food in his stomach.
“Don’t pretend you don't know exactly what you wrote about me!” James shouted, pausing in his step to look Regulus dead in the eyes.
“What you wrote, Regulus-” James’s eyes welled up with angry tears, “The things that you said about me are not okay. Especially after how you acted last night. People are not your toys , for God’s sake! I’m not a toy!”
Regulus was at a loss for what to do. How did he make this better, how did he fix this .
You couldn’t fix something if you didn’t know what was broken in the first place.
“I really wanted to believe that it wasn’t true, Regulus, but dammit , it was right in front of me! Clear as f*cking day!”
“James, I-”
“What was last night, then? Huh ? Really, what was that, Reg?,” he growled, “You know, I really thought that I’d finally begun to figure you out. I thought I was breaking past your walls, that you were letting me in” he huffed, shaking his head in disappointment.
“I thought, so f*cking childishly, that I was finally meeting the real you, but this ?” James turned up his palms at Regulus, waving aggressively, “Those were your private f*cking thoughts, Regulus! That was the real you!”
Regulus was struck numb- this couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be. He was in a nightmare again, right? Someone wake him up, please someone. Wake. Him. Up.
“I’ve wasted all of this time trying to get to know you, and you know what? I think I have you all figured out now! You’re just-” a sob escaped James’s throat, “You’re just a jealous kid, who couldn’t handle someone else being friends with his big brother.”
“ What?”
“That’s what all of this is, is it not? A big ‘ revenge’ plan against me for ‘ stealing’ Sirius from you,” he bit out, mockingly punctuating the words the air quotes, “When were you gonna do it, then? Were you waiting until after I confessed how f*cking in love with you I fell to drop the bomb? You were just going to what? Lead me in to break my heart?”
“ Please-”
“Well guess what, Regulus!? It f*cking worked!”
James snatched his keys off of the desk and stomped towards the door before Regulus even had time to process. James opened it up, stormed out, and slammed it back in place, making Regulus jump.
Then, it was all quiet. Absolute silence, ringing in his ears a million times louder than James could ever shout.
The first sob punched out of him so violently it hurt, but then they just kept coming.
The universe really did hate him, it was so cruel to allow everything to be so right one moment, just to tear it all back down with double the force.
Regulus had finally taken root in the ground, he’d finally done it .
But he never accounted for the day that the sun exploded.
He picked up his other headphone, sticking it back into his ear. The same song was still playing.
“ No it really doesn’t matter at all,
No it really doesn't matter at all,
Life’s a gas.”
Regulus changed the CD, replacing Electric Warrior with Unreal, Unearth , and skipping to the only song that felt right.
“We'll float away, but if we fall
I only pray, don't fall away from me.”
